Dad 46: Twin Wars

 

It is rare that I find a comedian funny but supervising, in a very hands-off way, three teens (Boy 15, Girl 15, friend) at the Reading Festival (see forthcoming blog on ‘why do we always have to do what our children want to do when we spent our childhoods always doing what our parents wanted to do?) and with at least twelve hours to go before I had any chance of starting for home I ducked into a tent to avoid the lashing rain and happened upon a Brighton comic who made me cry with laughter. Now, I’m 46, so the tears come readily. I was, for instance, rendered helpless in the multiplex watching the Jack Black vehicle Nacho Libra, although in my defence I had just given up smoking. Less explicably, I always cry during the denouement of American Pie even when the twins are watching with me, especially when the twins are watching with me…

…but this was at lunchtime, I hadn’t even had a drink and it was just a bloke with a mike doing observational comedy, which normally is something I can’t get too little of. What set me off was his recollection of sibling fights always being won by the sibling who gained control of the sofa and then used this advantageous position to kick out piston-style. Bingo! Girl 15 v Boy 15 is always resolved in this way. Usually Girl 15, who essentially lives on the sofa, returning quickest to her natural habitat and then landing a kick on Boy 15, who essentially lives for football, which sends him sprawling across the floor in mock agony.

At which point I walk in, once again having missed the action and once again being asked to adjudicate upon it. There is no way around this dilemma other than spending all day and all of the night with Girl 15 and Boy 15, which is not an option any of us would countenance. By definition, once you are aware there is a problem there is nothing you can do about it. Least of all, determine with any certainty who is to blame for the latest escalation of violence. So Girl 15 attacks you for always being on Boy 15’s side and Boy 15 attacks you for always being on Girl 15’s side and pretty soon you feel like Tony Blair…without the salary.

However, help could soon be at hand, in the form of CCTV. As far as I can tell, from all the Curry and Dixon adverts, technology has never been cheaper and this, one assumes, must include the installation of some rudimentary CCTV cameras – the device which persuaded football hooligans to do their fighting outside rather than inside the stadium. If it worked for hoolies surely it can work on Girl 15 and Boy 15 who, added bonus, are too lazy to leave the house to continue the fight outside.

And if it doesn’t, well, at least, Mum 49 and I will have footage of them beating the crap out of each other which will not only help us dispense justice but might also be pretty entertaining.