Dad 46: Things I’m not sure Mum 49 and Boy 15 should be talking about (No 1 Masturbation)
I wander into the room looking for something, a search which would have greater chances of success if only I could remember what I was looking for, and Mum 49, drinking white wine, and Boy 15, drinking Coca-Cola, are sitting round the table chatting.
‘Yeah, you’re right, Mum, I definitely don’t want my wanking to become routine.’
Sorry. Did I hear that right? Are they really sitting round the kitchen table chatting about…that…really? I would never in a thousand wanks have discussed my masturbatory habits with my mother when I was fifteen. I wouldn’t even discuss them with her now I’m forty-six. Especially, now I’m 46.
Yet, live and exclusive in my own kitchen, my son and my wife are blithely chewing the fat about something about which, I can’t help thinking, they should not be chewing the fat.
‘Are you looking for something?’ asks Mum 49.
‘Ummm…not really…what are you guys talking about?’
‘Masturbation,’ says Boy 15.
‘He doesn’t want his wanking to become routine,’ adds Mum 49.
‘Of course, not.’
‘He wants to keep it special. Spontaneous. Isn’t that right, darling?’ adds Mum 49
‘Yeah, I suppose so, Mum.’
‘What do you think? Did you wank a lot when he was his age?’
‘Define ‘a lot’’
‘What would be a lot, darling?’
‘I don’t know, Mum, about half-a-dozen times a day…maybe more.’
‘So, shall we say eight or so,’ says Mum 49, pouring another glass of wine. ‘Did you wank eight times a day when you were his age?’
‘Ermm…I doubt it…but I honestly don’t know.’
‘Come on, don’t be shy, did you?’
‘I honestly don’t know…I…’
‘Answer the question, man.’
‘Yes, I’m sure I did. Definitely.’
‘And how did you keep it spontaneous?’
‘If memory serves spontaneity wasn’t the problem it has become…’ And having remembered what I was looking for I exit the room in triumph.