Dad 46 v Girl 15 The Battlegrounds (No 1 Allegedly Noisy Eating)
Scene: Dad 46 is sitting in his chair watching Sky News on his TV. Girl 15 is positioned at about fourth slip/gully lying on a sofa reading BUZZ (‘the UK’s liveliest TV guide’).
Girl 15: Uggggghhhhh.
Dad 46: (calmly and methodically masticating his food before swallowing it in order to minimise the risk of indigestion) What do you mean ugggggghhhh?
Girl 15: You’re disgusting.
(Dad 46 concentrates on Sky News)
Girl 15: You really are disgusting.
(Dad 46 takes a handful of Pringles, pops them in his mouth, and returns to concentrating on Sky News)
Girl 15: Dadddddd!!
(Maintaining her prone position, Girl 15 lobs a cushion at Dad 46 but her aim is poor and instead of her intended target she hits the tube of Pringles which explodes over the floor.)
Dad 46: Jesus.
Girl 15: Your fault.
Dad 46: (admittedly maybe now talking with his mouthful) What do you mean my fault? Clear it up. Now -
Girl 15: Ugggghhhh, you clear it up. Now
(Girl 15 pouts. Dad 46 finishes his mouthful.)
Girl 15: Uggghhh I think I’m going to be sick.
Dad 46: Be sick. And clear that up, too.
Girl 15: Nuhh, you think you’re so clever.
Dad 46: Yup.
(Slight lull in hostilities)
Girl 15: Do you have any idea of how disgusting you sound when you eat?
Dad 46: Shhh, I’m trying to watch the news.
Girl 15: You’re always watching the news. It’s boring
Dad 46: You’re always watching Britain’s or Ireland’s or America’s or even bloody Canada’s Next Top Model. It’s really boring.
(Girl 15 starts flicking through BUZZ to see where one of her raft of programmes is currently showing)
Girl 15: Honestly, you need to know how disgusting you are in case you are in a restaurant and start eating and everyone else starts throwing up.
Dad 46: Bound to happen eventually.
Girl 15: I’m just trying to be helpful.
Dad 46: What I don’t understand is that some of your friends, or whatever you call those people who drop round when they’ve obviously got nothing better to do, have really disgusting table manners.
Girl 15: So.
Dad 46: So, you don’t go ugggghhhhh at them when they are eating.
Girl 15 Why would I do that, Dad, they’re my friends.